betwixt

A whole load of B today. B is not a person. It is a letter. In the alphabet.

I can see now that it is rather quite the skill to keep a journal.

It requires just as much time and love and care as anything living.

I shall not stop, never

Just remember, dear companion, that the best thing we can do is keep trying. You needn't give up.

We can all appreciate you trying, regardless:

see?

"I can see a blue jay, a red cardinal and a whole lot of doves all in one yard."

"See it's a better world when everything gets along."

mmmm

i hate clutter

spirit they've vanished

"It was about this guy trying to be remembered and I realized that on more than one account close friends of mine have had troubles with wanting to be remembered. Why do you think that is, people wanting to be remembered?"

only m would be asking me this at midnight

i almost cried but i didn't.

take a few cold breaths lock your spirit in a bottle, plug that with some cork and twine and send it to sea when you stop existing. because then you'll exist really still,

you just caught a different course. after life may not be real but you can still continue without having a shadow.

just look at peter pan.

why would you want to be forgotten? it's a sad thought, even if m says you're gone mentally and wouldn't ever know.

they're just friendly mysteries peeping up and out like dandelions in a summer yard.

wishing you a good sleep and a good morrow ~

no time or day

a good day.
sitting on wool, napping for the longest time to a soundtrack of pitter pattering rain. it was gentle, like the rain in the Bambi movie, and that soft song, also to the sounds of beatrix clicking around things in her bunny home.
"Why is good night associated with sleep and goodbye?"
i spoke with timothy tonight! like every other acquaintance in this place she is t from now on, but for the first time i wanted to say her name because it is special. she is very kind, and mirrored!

sail away.
P.S. post script
p was right. we're all just playing connect 4.

p.s. post script}

children time is up. school starts tomorrow. i am so excited to see everyone that i have missed. so many angry and upset that there is work to be done tomorrow i was frustrated at first too (thanks c) but i want to get up on time and give a thousand and two hugs and sea after art class. mmmm so much nothing to do which i'm so happy for i can just wait for when i am tired and need to sleep without worries. but enjoy your worries you may never have them again right?

mmmm wind mmmm miss potter. i was going to mail l's packet of stardust (aka penpal letter) a few days ago but i kept forgetting because it was always too late. time running out like turning off the water.

baths are so nice. mmmm warmth! ahhh good country!

the tree outside my window is starting to spread its fingers again tiny spring green (sky blue lemonade emily lime devereaux green mmmm m) baby leaf houses are coming coming coming and not stopping.

what if i lived in a boat named "lost" and was at sea? that'd be redundant. that'd be redundant.

i'd rather have been on breezand.

mmmm open sea. any kind of travel. mmmm that.

tea spilt today. today spilt tea. spilt tea today. today, tea spilt. tea today spilt.

i've taken to scrambling sentences even when i'm just talking to someone i'll think of how what they said can be warped.

mmmm elvis costello's voice and glasses and suits just a bit too small mmmm c.

cosmic questions pull a rabbit out of a hat i feel infinite chipped black twisted leather cracked temple "engulf my chin" colors neatly lined up trees like lace above me honest writing no writing dripping red smiles one eyed emoolie sleepless messages one by one summer has begun wrink wrink wrinkly rough prickly skin poe johns f s cummings beatrix being.

try being for a while it's nice because you stop caring

but in a good way

so much worry so impatient so many burdens that aren't my own i love to listen i love to learn i love run on sentences. memories bottled up.

mmmm!

"all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream"

be tall stretch up write up write tall chin up chin swallowed struggle to light that wood.

"i started playing the game in like the game"

play the game dream that dream do something anything you want because you can

"Emily if you were a mythical creature what would you be?"

an ordinary starling bird or any old rabbit or emily devereaux is good enough for me to be

"you can't always get what you want"

but you can try

"bag of flour with antlers, skateboarding"

learn something new say something new do something new but it can be old if you want. old things are good and kind and honest and loveable but buy something new and give it a ride because in 1 2 10 20 50 100 years it will be old and full of memories good and bad. it will, like everything, have a story.

mmmm realizations! quotes!

never never land,

if you ever do Me an anonymous favour;

never

ever

stop

existing

dear girl in photo: i know it is a lot to handle in one sitting but please try to do your best it was such a long eventful endearing beautiful memorable bottled up evening, encapsulated into the night woven into the stars and your constellations forever to swirl up and be a part of the steam from your hot hair your hot coffee, but the sun it rises it is rising now get up get up get up and see it before it goes away forever!!!!!!!!!!

edit: m just said "mmmm" in his last text

water curses / animal collective (i love to sing along with this one. so there, h)

{

my rabbit is beatrix. she hops around and doesn't mind when i play music.
get under those sheets with some hot tea.

the python / tickley feather

i can't

i'm going to spend the rest of the day on important letters and of course drawing p's house, how can i deny a request like that?
cats hear the sounds of strings. if i'm untangling a necklace or my headphones, kitty comes running. she's purring and stepping on me with cold paws. get some socks. but p likes my room the most, probably because of the yellow.
i'm impatient with everything except untangling. i'm good at that. i can stand there for minutes untangling something without flinching, and i won't stop until the air is clear.
why do you think that is? i miss that question. come back to me.
the song coney island by good old war is extremely pleasant and enjoyable, i love it dearly. only acoustic, though.
the other thing: i realized how much i love todd selby. i want to marry him. i mean really, how does he know that the only thing i love more than old shoes and red plums is digging through people's things? his ideas are brilliant, the Selby always cheers me up-
they're just too wonderful to resist.
i emailed marc johns a few weeks ago and told him everything and he was really nice! then i emailed todd selby and sent him a poem by dallas clayton, about homes. i thought he would like it. he did!
doing that made me feel like oskar schell, but only a while after. it's a good feeling. i want to marry him too.


please
please buy me a rabbit.

chimerical

i've been a bit slippery, recently. i do apologize for that. path has been quite rainy,

making it difficult to walk in such frail shoes. but how i love them.

i discovered an old book which is beautiful in its own fictional way,

so old with butter coloured pages. the smell of it makes me smile. burnt edges, cream spine, pinched glue~

books, like people, develop a smell of their own too. it's a comforting thought, really.

fell asleep past 7.30 and woke up at half past midnight, this was yesterday.

i was day-clothed and everything, right on top of the horses surrounded by bunnies, carrying me through my dreams but like usual,

they've been forgotten. i ought to write them down, though i am wicked. when i awoke, i was in my frail shoes, seahorse, and even my feather.

needless to say, we all survived.

my my, hey hey

well.

mushroom cap

today was the very best in a simple satisfying way, like light tea. i wore my favorite tshirt which is very kind

and brought my cup right into school with me, hot tea and all.

quiet ladybug whispers from k who is a cutie and said the nicest things to me

and a note from m.h. and a hug from the other m who waited after my art class, he said his first day at new school was very good and i was happy. i love the feeling of being happy for someone else being happy.

and a wonderful note from c as well, a prompt hair ruffling from the other one

"it makes your day though" so i ruffled back in response.

gave b a birthday wish. doing it again. have the happiest birthday, b. you're talented and i built that house just for you. enjoy it and your gardens!

"and when i awoke in my flat, a mushroom had grown right out of the carpet."

for emily, whenever i may find her (live)

everyone wrote so much today. i said so much to everyone. i said the most i have ever said. every time someone said happy birthday i made sure i said thank you in the most personalized way according to person. i want people to know they are not forgotten and that i appreciate them and i want them to learn to appreciate me too, and if they don't then that's okay maybe they will someday and i can help that and so can you.

i said a lot to n (not the usual n) and c and p and especially nothing to n (the usual n). i spoke briefly with h and gave her a cigarette note. i think i may have upset c. c, if you're reading this, which you aren't, i'm sorry but the sun it rises. really. i wasn't kidding.

and h i'm not kidding.

to my entire alphabet: i am never kidding. unless i say i am kidding don't ever think i'm kidding. why would i kid why would i act like a kid all the time on purpose? what i learned if i learned anything is that you should take into consideration everything everyone says. because believe it or not they said it for a reason.

what is the point of talking to me if you aren't going to say anything? you were so happy. but that's okay. it's all fine. i'm fine! i'm just a little sleepy and hungry and sad and i feel unfulfilled but that's okay because i'm still young i am fifteen fresh years today. my new year my new life it starts tomorrow and everything i do and say will effect the entire next year it is important the new year doesn't start january first it starts on your birthday my lovely.

and you are lovely.

"i can't let this go i am on my way"

i'm sorry, m, that i made you walk so far. i didn't mean to!

the day was extremely disappointing. it's my birthday and i'm okay with it being the way it is. feeling sad can be thought of as selfish but i'm sorry i'm a person. i am living and breathing so are you don't forget that. should i change my facebook name to Peter Rabbit Devereaux? that nickname became so important.

"invisible birds" that's what we are we are all invisible birds. taking flight is just different but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

i just noticed a red owl on a card i got. hear that p?

i think appreciation started with d and how he wrote that message to everyone that he didn't even remember when i brought it up to him one thousand and two years ago. "fiff" but he wrote it and i think that's where it started, it was new i had never seen anything like that before.

it's the best we can do is appreciate.

i don't understand mean people. why are they so mean? just be nice. what is the excuse for being mean? i really just can't see any appeal in it. it's not as if it is fun or anything.

i don't know what is more sad:

the fact that i don't remember perks of being a wallflower ever being so sad,

or the fact that it is so sad now.

thank you skies: for the rain. standing under that tree and i looked up

i looked up through the spaces in your needles and i could see that radioactive sky and it was all there but there were bits missing and the rain missed me except those few that got me.

scarf: thank you for protecting my head this morning. you kept me more dry and alive than you realize.

instrument: thank you for cooperating when i spent much of your ink on penning my favorite songs in a row nonstop onto this huge piece of paper that will be filled with infinity and you.

dad: thanks for saying "gimme some fries! TREE!" when teaching me that good driving habits were important. d, that is what my dad did today.

i have the most exciting thing in my lap. it makes me happy. it is a glimmer of something.

"i'll go find something to.. to.. i don't know. i'll go find something."

i want to watch Miss Potter and hug my old raggedy stuffed peter rabbit from a thousand and twenty three years ago and draw words and write faces and get tangled in grass because it is so tall, and then laugh because i got tangled in grass because who gets tangled in grass? and wrap up in a blanket or a person or my own thoughts and watch the sun go down and come up again over water

because the sun, it rises.

"glasses"

i did nearly nothing but draw and read this weekend. lots of tea,

today, i walked with m to a nice field and we did a lot of walking and talking and four leaf clover and bananas, evolution, inward quotes and ONE HANDED SOMERSALT little legs

summer salts. that sounds so lovely.

i spoke with h tonight and i hope she can come to the city with n and i this saturday. it would be lovely, especially taking the train. h says i should throw a party, as i would be a good host. that was a nice thing to hear.

i told her, recently all i have wanted is to grow older and live

in a too small apartment and buy tons of wine and cheese and strawberries

and have close friends and turn out the lights and use candles.

thinking of: a useful, amusing yet absentminded hobby. ie, embroidery. used to do that. why did i stop?

why do people ever stop? curious

warm breath of air today, it was beautiful

golden glow moon, m pointed out orion's belt for me.

goodnight mouse, goodnight house

lendemain

i started a new journal tonight which i felt was necessary. writing in hand, in pencil and drawing made me feel good. i made sure to wear down the pencil first. too sharp is not for me.
i read poetry, drew faces all day.
also, i've been consuming very much butter with jam on bread. so sweet and kind. days are kind, daze are kind.
i realized a few moments ago how much i love the phrase
"under the covers".

"wasting days is the worst you can do."

quite right. although technically, we are alive. and being alive

well that isn't a waste.

dallas clayton

service

You should leave your house today
with an empty garbage bag
and some walking shoes
and start off toward no where at all.
On the way you should pick up every piece of trash you find
that hasn’t already been claimed
by a smaller animal
and stuff it into your bag.

You should see how far you make it
before your bag is full,
and once it is
you should turn around and walk back.

On the way back
you should think about your neighbors
and how they aren’t bad people
and don’t consider themselves filthy
But how they managed to waste so much
and leave it all out here
for you to carry home.

When you get home
you should put the bag on your kitchen counter
and draw a face on it with a magic marker
and give it a nameand take a picture of it
and make it some tea.

While you drink the teayou should talk to it,
and tell it a secret that you’ve never told anyone before.
After you’re done you should stuff it into a trash can
and gently close the lid
and put it out on the curb for collection.

After that, you should go lay down
and close your eyes
and think about yourself
and how you aren’t a bad person
and don’t consider yourself filthy
and how nice it is to go for a walk
and clear your head
on a beautiful day like today.

cee owl hoot

confusion, failure, time: juice, test, grandfather clock

life, belief: half glass of water, half glass of wine

every relationship: fleet of sailboats (also: knit sweaters)

your life: old shoes

sky, stars, universe: sea, younail & i, blank parchment

nature: beauty

beauty: nature

math: math

maps & atlases and neutral milk hotel, now

pete

spanish bands use all the echo
persian kitties better stay out of the train
glad you brought your food on
eat it like it's gonna get a way
this coffee sure is getting colder
the seats are getting fewer
space is losing place
you could win a rabbit
you could blow an island through the rib
rabbit or a habit?
habit or a rib?

animal collective

waving flags

i looked out the window, first at the changing sea and then a bird flitting across the yard to a limb. i watched the new grass coming.

i left my chamber and went into another, looking out that window to the west. i watched fat little robins tweet at each other and bigger starlings eating bird seed from the feeders in the trees. so many trees which i love. i was watching the world and trying to find the small things. everything is small here but the smallest ones are the best parts.

but the place you are. when you see it and it makes you feel small and this place, big, it at least gives me a sensation of "i can't wait to see the rest of you. in your entirety."

i want to meet the world and breathe every air there is.

sit in trees and take pictures of birds, watch the sky change every day and be a part of the way things are without interference to see how nice it is.

british sea power and kimya dawson, for now.

fumble

5:37

"I like how you never forget to mention."

thanks the most for noticing.

Don't ever forget anything. That's a favor I, P.S. Devereaux, am asking you. What I'm trying to do is actually very listen to what I'm reading and to what people say. Remember that we want people to appreciate our words as much as they want us to appreciate theirs.

I spoke with p last night and fell asleep before her next message which made me feel awful. I knew i was going to fall asleep I kept it pointed up so the light would beam like a lighthouse and I could see through my eyelids. Guess not.

The best you can do is to just let things be. Impatience doesn't help anyone just keep yourself occupied read a book learn something you want to learn go for a walk. as much as you want to pull the tab and release the hook you have to let go anyway. as much as you want to pull it you can't.

"keep on keeping on" b has been saying this for as long as i can remember. i don't know even where he got it. like everything it came from somewhere.

quite a full day so empty so full so both so nothing so everything.

like a balloon. or a ghost.

5:47

6:09

"peace on earth. not going to happen any time.. ever. maybe just my earth." j

6:10

8:12

tonight is a night for simon & garfunkel. they are the best.

i'm going to be writing soon. i haven't done this in a little while.

i hope it's like bike riding. i don't know why i'm so scared. it's not that i'm scared, i just don't know what will happen. i want to see.

i want to see everything and every you, and i want you to know that i want you to see me as well. wishing well wishing you well.

and now a word from our sponsor!

to young poets:

stop rhyming. you have talent, just don't feel so obliged to rhyme!!

8:17

filling.

9:35

i wrote half a page.

my parents reminded me my birthday was this monday. i forgot. they're asking me what i want.

but i don't really want anything.

9:35

10:48

drew purple warrior marks on hands i feel like i don't know what.

a real bunny skin soft from bath water. open window half the lights out.

a sentence or two more, waking up at five tomorrow.

good-night!

10:50

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10:57