everyone wrote so much today. i said so much to everyone. i said the most i have ever said. every time someone said happy birthday i made sure i said thank you in the most personalized way according to person. i want people to know they are not forgotten and that i appreciate them and i want them to learn to appreciate me too, and if they don't then that's okay maybe they will someday and i can help that and so can you.
i said a lot to n (not the usual n) and c and p and especially nothing to n (the usual n). i spoke briefly with h and gave her a cigarette note. i think i may have upset c. c, if you're reading this, which you aren't, i'm sorry but the sun it rises. really. i wasn't kidding.
and h i'm not kidding.
to my entire alphabet: i am never kidding. unless i say i am kidding don't ever think i'm kidding. why would i kid why would i act like a kid all the time on purpose? what i learned if i learned anything is that you should take into consideration everything everyone says. because believe it or not they said it for a reason.
what is the point of talking to me if you aren't going to say anything? you were so happy. but that's okay. it's all fine. i'm fine! i'm just a little sleepy and hungry and sad and i feel unfulfilled but that's okay because i'm still young i am fifteen fresh years today. my new year my new life it starts tomorrow and everything i do and say will effect the entire next year it is important the new year doesn't start january first it starts on your birthday my lovely.
and you are lovely.
"i can't let this go i am on my way"
i'm sorry, m, that i made you walk so far. i didn't mean to!
the day was extremely disappointing. it's my birthday and i'm okay with it being the way it is. feeling sad can be thought of as selfish but i'm sorry i'm a person. i am living and breathing so are you don't forget that. should i change my facebook name to Peter Rabbit Devereaux? that nickname became so important.
"invisible birds" that's what we are we are all invisible birds. taking flight is just different but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
i just noticed a red owl on a card i got. hear that p?
i think appreciation started with d and how he wrote that message to everyone that he didn't even remember when i brought it up to him one thousand and two years ago. "fiff" but he wrote it and i think that's where it started, it was new i had never seen anything like that before.
it's the best we can do is appreciate.
i don't understand mean people. why are they so mean? just be nice. what is the excuse for being mean? i really just can't see any appeal in it. it's not as if it is fun or anything.
i don't know what is more sad:
the fact that i don't remember perks of being a wallflower ever being so sad,
or the fact that it is so sad now.
thank you skies: for the rain. standing under that tree and i looked up
i looked up through the spaces in your needles and i could see that radioactive sky and it was all there but there were bits missing and the rain missed me except those few that got me.
scarf: thank you for protecting my head this morning. you kept me more dry and alive than you realize.
instrument: thank you for cooperating when i spent much of your ink on penning my favorite songs in a row nonstop onto this huge piece of paper that will be filled with infinity and you.
dad: thanks for saying "gimme some fries! TREE!" when teaching me that good driving habits were important. d, that is what my dad did today.
i have the most exciting thing in my lap. it makes me happy. it is a glimmer of something.
"i'll go find something to.. to.. i don't know. i'll go find something."
i want to watch Miss Potter and hug my old raggedy stuffed peter rabbit from a thousand and twenty three years ago and draw words and write faces and get tangled in grass because it is so tall, and then laugh because i got tangled in grass because who gets tangled in grass? and wrap up in a blanket or a person or my own thoughts and watch the sun go down and come up again over water
because the sun, it rises.