i just feel so incredibly sad right now.
sorrow and extremely empty.

i'm choking.

in a basket

i wrote two notes one for h one for c. both their first notes from pete. i hope they enjoy all that glorious beautiful swelling red.

my birthday is on monday. my mom told me and i didn't even remember. my dad told me "ems, i know just what to get you. i won't tell you but i know just what to get you."

this excites me greatly. time for my late night alone time in the dark on the floor nibble. with dust and moonlight and open windows and frightened arm hair and flakes of skin to keep me company.

i'm writing a novel.

i loved that bike so much.

m is for moneys

by m

thank you!

blue to black

woke up so late today. i dyed m's hair he's not green anymore. then sitting in a pocket picking

clover looking for four leafed ones

and collecting water droplet diamonds and pulling apart twigs and talking about bad melons.

dad got me blueberries.

edit: i just watched the where the wild things are trailer and started to tear.

i need mouthwater.

things desired

What do I wish?
a good evening. an actual living breathing kind starry wine warm bare bear evening. people say good evening. well what if i was having a bad evening? would it make me feel better, or worse?
it would depend on whether it was a greeting or a goodbye.

{ how are you even supposed to say to someone "Goodbye. But just for a LITTLE WHILE."
old thin glass with a hole in the middle. }

then again, they're saying that in hopes that i will have a good evening.
which is good enough for me.

"well i'm on my way, i don't know where i'm going,
i'm on my way, i'm taking my time-
but i don't know where."

P.S.: i look at people and see the differences but when i study faces, i can't pick out distinctly what is different between people. everything really is beautiful when you look at it. it just takes a good moment to really appreciate something, and then it's like liquid gold in a jar.

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Men Playing Cards

do i want to be home right where i am now,
or do i want to leave and make my home where i go?
right now
a traincar with someone or sometwo or somethree
sounds pretty contenting to me.

eyelashes

i lost p's note and i feel the worst about that because her notes every note from anyone at all is precious handwriting handrawing handhanding penning the best ever needs to be kept safe and sound i hope wherever small baby note is, it is safe and warm in bed with milk pockets and beatrix potter.
i want everyone to call me pete it would be so nice. i'd rather be peter than emily, more than even anything else. many icknames.
i'm a bunny and a baby i'm not a log. says everyone else.
m's bearded man and plaid and warmth were the kindest. i didn't get to see mr. berner which made me extremely sad and incredibly disappointed. then blue had to be so kind and it made me feel very unworthy of anyone's kindness because i don't handle it well enough.
what can i do? can i hug them around the waist and say thank you so much and give them teabags and wristbones and wishbones and tell them everything will be okay again someday somehow somewhere someway? how about somenow!
i feel like lately i don't know how to react properly to kindness.
snap crackle pop
i try to make appreciation apparent because everything counts this is what i'm realizing. the small things count. everything does. but they matter. they are matter and they matter, it all matters. every single bingle thing matters.
i try, and then leaving people out makes me feel even worse that i'm not including everyone it's the worst feeling especially right now - thank you skies for the rain. i liked the cold air crackling skin lifted hair fools rush in the wind is a breath of timelessness.
"i have this for you"
i wrote "something unknown is doing we don't know what, that is what our knowledge amounts to" with orange sharpie right under the stage at the middle school. i hope they all see it and it stays there forever but they won't and it won't.
i need to embrace the end of things and stop being so nostalgic - but i have my look on the brightside bracelets to take care of,
and that is not taking proper care of those two.
i wrote a serious paper on mythology this essay was the only one that we could be the least bit creative and it's now that i decide to write something serious and stupid whereas on other essays i totally do whatever i want. i fell out of a chair and the teacher asked several times if i was alright and i felt the worst of the worst and i am the worst.
i bathed and then cried, i cry you cry he cries she cries the world cries. nope sorry. i'm alone on this and that's okay!
i talked about rainbows and in rainbows and blueberries and dinering and camping and just lovely things as usual.
made short films on my phone, for n
and took a disposable camera picture of all the rolling heads at lunch watching watching watching the middle aisle it was such a sea i'm glad i caught it i stole a painted paper fan on the floor of the middle school,
nameless homeless faceless but not identity less.
but not forgotten!!

"here's to sugar on the strawberries!"
-burt lancaster, the swimmer

crackle

all i had was gouache, but i wanted to make a shirt.
so i just used red pen and it worked.
it's just triangles and The Books anyway.
tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow never comes soon enough; sampled cocorosie (such a marvelous name) and enjoyed it. i still feel unfeeling. i want to lay in tall grass like waves around me. do they still know me?
i was sitting reading waiting to go home and i smelled n's hair and chest
i wrote "rich gets richer, poor gets poorer" on my computer. and tried to make art tonight. wrote wrote wrote wrote response notes and am so tired. i'm like a log. all day and day and night into morning to day to dusk to night to dawn untilde i've been rolling through the forest down to your grave,
and i land at the bottom. this is where i am now.
i am a log, i've been sitting and waiting for so long in this forest for something to happen. abelard moves into me during winter for protection, the frog visits, abel leaves.
moss is growing and buzzing fuzzing bumbles fly through the briar brambles around me. the world turns and tuck drinks water from the spurt in the ground. an apple falls. a boy falls.
but i stay
right
there
waiting

rich gets richer, poor gets poorer.

i recieved an array of notes today from the two separate m's and one from p of course. the female m gave me the tiniest prettiest note i maybe ever recieved, if it were a different object it would be a delicate cake or a small, proud cottage in france.

i wrote p a response note in study hall but didn't see her, so tomorrow she'll get it.

red daze

today:
-woke up
-showered and read m's texts recieved at three a.m. sometimes i'll get highly philosophical texts from him at times like that.
-coffee, listerine, blurry day though happier (gave p and mx their notes)
-listened to so much by The Books because i'm realizing how much i love them
-running bath water and started dandelion wine sitting in warmth, the pages are waterstained now
-ate a kind dinner with dad twenty minutes later, drank orange juice from equally kind old mug and read chapter one of dandelion wine
-made feather necklace and put on fleet foxes
-said goodnights
today i didn't:
-cry
-learn a foreign language
-get punched in the face
-feel hot or cold but a strange in-between
-feel much at all until school ended.
I AM SO EXCITED TO VISIT MR. BERNER ON THURSDAY THAT I COULD JUMP IN THE AIR LIKE A " " AND CLAP BECAUSE I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!

rabbitry

i've been writing "hummingbird, just let me die" with the date in fine tip sharpie on my desk in my classes. maybe someone will notice it written in different spots.
i wrote notes for some, along with the longest letter to be sent through the post

the longest letter i ever wrote.
the day was a daze that's all. the four cranes on my wall

i took three down two days ago -

and then there was one.

life in threes. three pages, three conversations, three cranes, three sugars in my coffee and tea.

a little longing goes away / the books

yes and no are just distinguished
by distinction, so we choose the in-between.
give up your books and put an end
to your worries. enjoy central park in the spring.
our minds are empty, like we're too young -
to know to smile.
we know to fear what others fear -
is nonsense, right?

the books suggest we set our minds on doing
nothing.
and then nothing's left undone.
everybody's waiting for the go-ahead -
but by then our heads are gone.
our minds are empty, grave as well as
strange. (take! this!)

we know to seek success is
utter nonsense...

the best is to be blank.

no rats

bluish / animal collective
i want someone to beat me up so badly right now.
who am i
and what am i doing here?

colours

an eventful day

it's 1.09 now, good night have the best sleep ever tonight and every other night too and wake up feeling warm and cold and wrapped up in good things,

because i hope i do and i hope you do too

now it's 1.45 because i got caught up being nostalgic,

looking at photos of me and of c.

aunt impor

i drank tea
i was late albeit as peter, not mr. rabbit
i took a disposable camera picture of m playing his ukelele at his locker

i finished extremely loud and incredibly close

i drank tea

i talked to n on the phone - "yeah he's been a vegetarian for a few years now.."

i watched harold and maude

i steamed my skin

i lost my voice

i visited the Selby and cropped interviews to my favorite answers

i listened to cat stevens and grizzly bear

farewell, welfare

nature has no imagination

not getting swallowed by coats ANYMORE!

finally! it's spring. tigger, Emily, Rousseau, renaissance, folk, paper feathers, awakening lessons, bees -

this will all soon lead into buttercups, Wood, sweaty cheeks, dry fireflies in glass jars, tiny rocks, wild berries, everything aflame.

sleep. no sleep. sleep. no sleep.

for the last four nights and counting - that's from monday, lundi, to now, today, thursday, jeudi - i have missed 11.11 by two minutes, deux minuits. that's 11.13 i've checked the clock. what does this mean? 11.13? i'll write a little about it, maybe. i don't see a place fit to write about this, that is. typewriter - can't. it wouldn't be the same anyway,

unless i was Robbie at his typewriter in the country, struggling and smoking hand rolled cigarettes and laughing.

microsoft word is self - explanitorily a no. think like a horse. cheval.

writing by hand.

i would only agree to this if i had old paper and an old pen. all i have is ballpoint and notebooks.

empty notebooks.

fleet as a fox

the life

hmm, the lord of the rings. especially in the beginning when frodo's lying against that tree reading, and gandalf comes riding down the road and he hugs him and goes

"it's wonderful to see you, gandalf!"

and gandalf goes,

"how could i miss bilbo's 111th birthday!"

frodo: i don't suppose we may see them again.

samwise gamgee: we may, mr frodo. we may.

frodo: sam, i'm glad you're with me.

i just want to cry. the end of the fellowship is so sad in such an unfinished way.

ladidida

they're the best, really. the bracelets. thanks, m

goodnight.

military

saturday was barnes and noble for a long time.
grab onto me tightly as if i knew the way
extremely loud and incredibly close
perks of being a wallflower
tree grows in brooklyn

franny and zooey
dandelion wine
dear diary
bye.

and tall grasses wave, they do not know you anymore

morning is the most honest time of the day. does that make the night the most forgiving? what about the afternoon? i guess we roast.
hmmm, this is worth a think of it.

tiger mountain peasant song / fleet foxes

purple

abstract art is the same song played in two at separate start-times. a little overlapping never hurt anybody. there's always a match point somewhere.
yesterday was a good photograph that was unintentionally blurred, today the photograph was full of soft bokeh.
n was over, we watched withnail & i. i would have cried had he not been there, never do i cry at films with another person with me. n liked withnail.
i liked i.

gulp of water, tidal wave,
sleeping a good sleep. be good while i'm away.

flying kites

watched "trip to the moon" c.1902 (lovely),

took a picture of the moon,

spoke with a which was quite nice -

asked my brother to open my window for me because i was too frightened that a spider would fly in.

ellipses make me sad. it's just disregarding something, casting it away as if that piece isn't important. it matters; it matters to me. they give a rushed and worried and scared and just itchy sense.

"i hate itchy everything unless it's tickling"

tonight

was just about right.

ululate

ragged wood / fleet foxes
my mom bought me a disposable camera, as per request. i haven't used one since i was about eleven. it makes me think of the word "prospect". the whole day i've been thinking of the word "prospect".
these are the best cameras. they're more reliable than any other camera and so delightfully candid. delightfully is the only word i can think of.
random thought: what if we could feel the hair growing out of our skin? it would be like a thousand tiny tickling feathers, or maybe arrows being launched,
or tiny green shoots reaching for light. it's a lovey thought but a eerie one at all the same time.
recieved a ghost - themed note from p. thoughtful. thank you p.
when you really do think of it, maybe we should think of it more often.

disappointment

this week is turning out to be terrible. this is the third night.

i feel off-kilter. and genuinely identity-less. other days i was thoughtless and kind

now i just don't know what to do.

i am a mountain. i am the ghost - rabbit personified.

i read all of "howl" by allen ginsberg. i plan to write that on sheets of paper,

and keep it with the rest of my favourite poems.

there are not too many.

what if i disappeared? i'd be happier as a real woodland animal.

at least then i would have a place to be. and, a general reason. "you're such a rabbit" - i wish. how do i remember everything? i remember much,

recently.

"how many years can a mountain exist, before it is washed to the sea?"

p.s.: post script

re-reading abel's island / i am a deer by d without hooves.

braided grass

my days are so blurry, and my nights are so clear
i feel like everything happens at night; conversations that are worth while, and my insides spill all over the place and i get things done,
like these letters that i wrote.
i changed my handwriting again today, was called a bunny by someone new (what did i say) and felt like a ghost
was a ghost. do you sea me?

people like n make me feel greedy. n doesn't ever want anything. how does he do that? he's such a simple boy. i don't know how or why.
i told p i felt greedy, last night i told her.
she said that second chances were the best.
and that she always had room in her heart for anyone - because everyone deserved to be cared about.
ordinarily i would find this sweet but things have been too weird for me to have emotions of my own. strangely enough, right now i have nothing but feelings for everyone around me. i have no problem writing these good folks letters and making them special mixes. and i just want to listen to them. i think that's why i won't tell n anything, because i just don't want to feel greedy anymore.

d: i didn't finish your feathers.
i'm sorry.

not again not again not again once again

quite alone. feeling quite alone.

should i speak?

i never know when it's right. i'm afraid whoever i'm contemplating is busy, because i don't want to be disappointed if i say hello and they're side-tracked. this happens - with everyone.

i don't like to be disappointed. i hung up two more cranes today. ménage à deux.

it didn't make me feel any special way, i just hung them up.

do you read me? really?

tonight was one of the strangest nights that i can't even write how strange it was.

i don't even know what happened and it was the strangest night of my life.

i feel ghostly and non-existant. sorries aren't in order, however i feel like a whisp who sits on top of cotton and does nothing. just floats around.

an occurance - the other day i listened to all music in a row, without skipping tracks, giving everything a chance

today i gave almost nothing a chance.

i should just,

give up the internet and telephone

and write letters. that way, i'm never disappointed. you can't be disappointed with letters,

because it's a surprise when you recieve one, it's more worth it (it's been built up) and a very pleasant experience.

i should just not use any-internet any-more. but then i'd be even more like a ghost,

no one would see me! do you see me now though?

i feel like my friends would see me more in letters. handwriting is more personal. letters are lengthier than anything on aim. if i could do both would that be contradictory? probably not, this isn't anything.

i always change when i meet people and stay friends with them. why does that happen? that happens all the time. is that a good thing? i suppose,

in some cases - but not in all,

surely. it is much too late but i don't know what i'll do in bed.

it feels like an island now: not a part of anything, my bed is detached from the window. it makes me feel detached from everything. i'll have trouble getting to sleep.

i was listening to deerhoof and holding my phone in my hand waiting for something to happen,

i felt so tired,

but speaking when you're tired is nice, because voices sound ghostly (in a good way, mind you!), and they crackle and are glittery and lovely,

night-time, sleepy voices seem nicer than everyday ones. am i making this up?

a ghost i am. or just a small bunny, running away from the gardener. i'm a tangled thread? i wasn't pulled along by anyone! can i just not tell? i have many questions, who can answer them? i wish you could. you can be the purple in me,

i would talk to you all night. it has to be outside. when the sky - in its biggest form on display -

it makes us feel more hopeful despite our dusty sizes.

hey we got some shoes over here

most of this was saturday. it was good and i had a good sleep and woke up and my legs didn't even hurt anymore from all that walking! they hurt yesterday though. i left my ipod at noam's (oh deer[hoof]) and we almost fell asleep because all that walking and snakes on a plane and pie eating and i love you mommy can tire people out.
today, so far, i finally made my room not awkwardly set up,
all i need is a good bookshelf,
just a plain tall one like i used to have but then i don't know what happened to it, just like that happens with some things -
i want to go to barnes and noble and read a book in one sitting there,
that's all i've wanted to do recently. i'll probably finish tidying my room and no one is at home,
so i'll find something to do.
maybe!

every glove

hopefully the weekend will be good.

i will make loads of feathers for everyone,

even you (yes you),

and present the first packet monday. d said "hey pete" and p waved and it made me SO HAPPY, i saw p before that:

a) to present her feathernote to her and

b) waved to her when she in her heart glasses and sitting on the floor.

i recieved a new hello from b

and she is so cute she was all "hello!" in her crackly little voice,

and i saw s and said hi and she was the best, "how are you!"

which i thought was sweet considering we've talked 0 times.

i saw n and waved at the last second and saw C AND and we exchanged exaggerated "WUSSUP SUH"s and high fives,

"your last name has a silent X. THAT'S pretty rad" from him which was nice,

earlier i had seen a and of course gave that one a high five,

i took a poor lad's seat in study hall because some lass took mine,

he seemed O.K. with that though. thanks, lad.

i've read approximately 70 more pages of lolita,

will finish tonight and complete daily drawing before midnight;

been so busy with nothing.

oh, also saw e and r and waved hello; r was his usual charming and e was her usual charming,

i like charming people and being charmed and charm bracelets and lucky charms the cereal,

plan to visit barnes and noble with -insert first letter of your name here- and read a book in one sitting because,

that always seemed nice.

i wish a decent cry would come out.

i ate pei wei,

it was only alright, a bit cold.

a glorious sixty degrees,

i wish i saw the other b more, and was more courageous with a, as i know that one would appreciate it.

i appreciate you

and the seventies, and history class

and watching films with my dad

and sixty degrees of fahrenheit outside,

and being swallowed by coats,

the scene in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, when joel and clementine are under that great quilt and clementine says "don't ever leave me" and admits things, and joel just listens and covers her in kisses (then it just gets so gosh darn sad),

and when people say words like "enjoy" and "adore" in a sentence

this old watch,

and the phylum plantae and singing although i haven't a voice for doing so properly,

and when my hair feels loose, and harmonics and people who can knit. i really like those things. i would spend all day making lists like this rather than lists of things i hate,

and knitting if i could, and taking a polaroid of the sky every day,

and braiding grass,

and reading woody allen's writing, and talking to the people i normally wait to talk to me first,

and writing letters and eating sweets,

and making boxes from paper, and watercoloring printer paper, and admiring the complicated gears in watches, and tim walker's photography and other works for that matter,

and practicing bunny drawing and other nature drawing,

wearing red, purple too because it makes me happy.

wearing socks too. and collecting norwegian sweaters.

and writing simon and garfunkel lyrics on my hand, and just staring at that all day,

and holding your hand and telling you my secrets and my thoughts.

1973

feather and i

by bradley

"This would be the worst of all fates. To be alienated by feeling and never know what to do with it. This is what i fear, that the ghosts in my machine will never be understood, and that I will never understand your ghosts, whoever you are, you beautiful robot learning to feel."

small kisses

spent the evening making paper feathers, most of them are to be for d's packet,
but i can't quite give that to him yet, it's unfinished. all i want to do is make paper feather packets for everyone.
one at a time, peter.

last night i was laying in bed feeling very awake i wanted most to crawl into a cold attick, and write.
two cars in a row passed by and their lights made patterns on my walls,
through my windows and they would coast over the cieling. the stars i strung up were out of reach, they must have been hiding from it, i didn't realize at first. at first i found it kind but after very few moments it became glum. my heart felt water logged, it just grew heavy and it feels heavy now.

i don't quite know,
i don't quite know. to be honest, i may have forgotten.
if i had gotten up and written it down, here it would be.

maybe my stars were sorrowed by the square light as well.

sorry,
regards.

taste

whisper

conversation tonight leaves me a bit like a leaf that got eaten around the veins, so those small spaces let some light through during the daytime and you can still see those frail little branches inside.
i wrote a little today.

lights out.

sleepy

i am a little piece of glitter sitting on the floor. i was one of the bits that got blown away when you were doing crafts. and i can't get up because i'm a piece of glitter, and then the dog runs by and i get swept up.

but then i just settle back onto the floor again.

fox tale

i played connect the dots with the drips of tea on the counter with a butter knife, then washed them away after a bit,

my favourite wristwatch today! forgot lolita at home which proved for bittersweet free minutes during school - finding it difficult to write. spoke with P, was lovely and she recieved the gold encrusted note i created especially for her. waved to the other one,

forgot many things.

i promise to create a drawing every day, here is today's:

it's a boy,

i'm naming this drawing "Pockets"

good-day!

eating disorder

i want to look like them every day for the rest of my life.

i think i have this envy backwards.

silhouette

never do i accomplish the most important. when i'm about to, the opportunity has already left, like a candle being snuffed before bedtime.

i wish i had a tiny chamber with a high little bed next to a window, and a small bedside table, and a bookshelf and floors that creaked because of age, and a drawer below my bed for secrets. and at night i would have a candle, and i could put it out whenever i wanted to.

i can't believe a thing. have i changed since january? sweet-dreams.

recently, finding photos to match my mood rightly has been slightly more of a challenge. this photo i remember finding a long long time ago. a good depiction. rabbits make their way into my life through everyone, some how, some way.

~

bears

someone salt
a sweet sea soup
that i could swim in proudly
we might swim like laughing ducks
in your pink glow

( daffy duck - animal collective )

gold to gray

such a pretty night, the snow falls so steadily and makes me just want to be
secluded in the woods, in a tiny log cabin
with a fireplace and tea
and the sounds of silence.
too many wolf images. make snow angels tomorrow; sweet dreams.

knocking me down

snow!

peach, plum, pear / joanna newsom

i don't have a lantern to light your way home tonight

i drew a kitchen, i used to draw everything like this. and socks, and two foxes doing the foxtrot today. yesterday, i drew tiny lines, i stained paper with coffee, unfortunately the color didn't pick up for some reason even on the color setting!

the galaxist / deerhoof

it's supposed to snow ten whole inches tonight and everyone predicts there will be no school tomorrow. if i wake up and see all that snow, and we don't have school, i plan to get up anyway

and take pictures before it all melts away, like it did last time.

beneath the balcony / iron and wine

long haired child / devendra banhart