oh to be but a small glass crab

one night i went to them. they beckoned me and i went to them. some nights they hid away but i was their little girl, we were one and i loved them and i love you. i went up, i flew in my night-gown and kitty waved goodbye. it was nostalgic but not for forever. i weeped and hugged them all. we played. my throat was tight and i couldn't tell if i was sad or happy. i was a glittering constellation, i was sparkle and fade and knock-kneed. i was little old me. i was with them. but i was with you.

london skies to~day

i am just one big tilde! that sounds too much like a name to not be a name. i want something to do, something really nice. i guess i'll start making T's stars and noam's mix. that's not enough. i could go outside and collect snow. and put it in a bottle. and even when it melts i'll keep it. or give it as a gift.

i wish i lived in the country in a log cabin so i could go into the woods right now and see all the quietness.

is your sweater on?

a snow day, snow outside. it's white. slushy roads but no school or any slush elsewhere. monochromatic breakfast today, by accident, drippy shower soon.

i am alone here again tilde, having stuffed buds with me though. list-making and reading robert frost poems, i hope i can get some drawing done.

"Do you know where my drawing pad is? Because while you two are doing that I think i want to get some drawing done."

"You see that's what I call detached!"

quotingly yours~tilde

pathetic

why i ever cut my hair i don't know.

i'm glad i found you

synecdoche new york looks really good. friday was nice. today was a waste. midterms wednesday to friday. exciting.

listening:
little person / from the synecdoche new york soundtrack

tiger lily and tiny teeth

one of us will die inside these arms

listening:
naked as we came - iron and wine
in the aeroplane over the sea - neutral milk hotel (i rediscovered it and cry i forgot how nice it was)
my girls - animal collective. the video is kind of not good but it shows avey / bear / geologists' NSYNC (no that wasn't a pun you little lollipop) head bopping skills so well and i have been trying to look like panda bear all night but it doesn't work, he's too cool for me i guess.
i found the cutest youtube account who does the cutest covers of songs like grounds for divorce and animal collective and the shins (they actually are good!) and a really good iron and wine song and an elliott smith song even though i can't stand elliott smith at all ever. AT ALL.

i need this nonsense in me now:

WHY DOES EVERYTHING SPACE OUT SO MUCH IN THESE POSTS. whatever tilde, the pretty fall shows are coming up soon (yaaaaaay fw) so more colors and photos to arrive. the rebel has been sitting in the cold recesses (not) of my bedroom, completely sans power and i'm too scattered about to charge it properly. where did xti come from?

an almost stranger with ears and bright hair gave me a 7 playing card today and said "i have this card for you". i think spades. preceding these events this happened:

Eunice (auu eu): wow those cards are all over the hallways!

Me (still confused): you don't say?

i am an ant

i feel so weird all the time, mostly for feeling weird and then acting normal and then seriously wondering which emotion i am actually feeling. i sound so depressed. i'm just being ridiculous and dramatic. is my mind on auto pilot? Suddenly i don't understand math class, my teacher is a real dick anyway, her maiden name is pretty much the walrus' name from Tennessee Tuxedo (one letter off yeesh), second of all her voice is damn annoying and the same as Rachel (i refuse to spell it out the right way) Ray and i dislike Rachel Ray specifically for her voice and bad overexcessive typical wealthy depressive housewife slang. which IS my math teacher. which will also never be me. plus the fact that she always sounds so condescending. and that she "doesn't understand how people can enjoy literature and the arts" which is what she said to me when i told her i didn't like math. so defensive. calm down already. all i said was i didn't like math and she launches into this mini-rant about how she loves it and how it confuses her that people love other things. domo arigato? hmm? seriously.

i talked to noam (aka david / river) and it was funny because he just sort of IM'ed me and started asking me questions which sounds like something annoying i would do except it wasn't annoying, anyway i get to wear his glasses for thirty minutes unless peril strikes.

school was whatever, i took a math test, in art mr jaffe was weird ET creepy as usual, constance made a big deal about my pants, laura and i talked about poland spring and i wouldn't shut up about her pretty little blossom necklace (i'm still a rosebud and there she is with a blossom just standin out there. i feel so humbert humbert / joel) and we all went to the lunchroom to watch the inauguration even though by that time it was just useless Cadbury Cream eggs, and five minutes after sitting down some guy from the library whose name escapes me (boston? bostone? regardless he is certainly not a mighty mighty bosstone nor a bostonian, moving on) came in with this old woman and they were like "UH.. oh.. we were gonna take this down.. is anyone actually watching it..?" taking this down meaning the projector and equipment, i feebly raised my hand because the art room sucks (WHO DOESN'T USE THEIR OWN CLASSROOM?!?) and because i liked sitting in there talking in the (mostly) natural light. anyway he pointed to me and said "YOU?!" and i just said "forget it, nevermind" and before i finished he was already on his way up to unplug Everything. that woman trailed behind looking at me for a ssssmall lingering moment, looking like she felt bad for me, maybe she was just dazed & confused i don't know. then we got back to the art room and mr jaffe said to himself, just sort of out loud like he always does "i should have put up a bigger fight." what the FUck? no one was even watching it. sure "I WAS" (not) but give it a rest, everyone was being typical and indifferent anyway.

i never see anyone any more. i want to go to the city and get lost. i wouldn't be allowed to anyway which just proves how ridiculous everything is. why can't i be a little new yorker? running away from home would be fun. or a french woman in 1920s paris who gets involved in her own murder mystery. i miss english class (hhhhaaaazzzzzeeelllll). it was so the bomb. mr berner was the best teacher, he really doesn't know how cool he was. i would say inspiring but that feels gay right now / is probably not true (autopilot and everything~) and i say all this nonsense on here and scribble in my moleskine wasting precious, glossy european space that could be filled with this junk and i could make collages of old V&R or pugh shows or something for you on here because that would be more interesting to watch than reading this and expecting something actually interesting other than typical rambles about stars and school and egotistical banter that isn't polite or cute anymore, just atypical. how can something be typical and atypical at the same time? why do all my feelings come out at night on here? why can't i write a novel any more? where have my ideas gone? why is my fashion class so horrible? why did the coffee i drank give me (legitimately) atypical headaches? why didn't i read Lolita tonight? where's the inspiration? where's the magic? where's the moon? where has my sweet starboy gone? and Kitty and Mouse? where has everyone gone? and where have these people come from? who are you? who am i? it isn't even as if i don't know who i am, i don't know if i know or i don't know, that's how autopilot my life is. in fact it is so autopilot that all this autopiloteyness only comes out at night and i am completely different by day. happy. talkative.

on top of all this i lost my ipod earphones. i have to stop complaining and give something. why are rosebuds so selfish? i need to be sprinkled with sugar. i need to hug the moon. i need to wander the city.

yes we can. yes we fucking can.

i walked into english, put my bookbag onto the floor and stayed standing the whole period during Barack Obama's speech.

His words were too irresistable to contain myself. I didn't even want to sit down, no matter how achey my hips got.

I Am Just That Happy. lots of coffee today.

P.S. SUCK IT MCCAIN

abc3d

it snowed today which made me happy. it snowed when i was blowdrying my hair and i was desperately trying to finish so i could "..." and then i realized why was i rushing, it wasn't like i was going outside anytime soon. probably just my eagerness. i wore the comfiest shirts all "break" long.
i talked to alex for ten hours yesterday. i also talked to dan chance and he seems cool. apparently he loves jazz. and france. and his name was shortened from some german thing. talking to alex is nice because he always has something to say and we talked about everyone and he knows everyone. but it was nice things not mean things, and i talked to dan about france and american apparel. and shakespeare.
after school tomorrow for who knows what, we'll probably end up not being prepared, mitch and missy and brit and i, and then i'll have to wait forever for my mom to pick me up as usual. and then sometime this week long conversations and coffee with those two crazy kids which i am pathetically excited about. one tall and one shakespeare.
i'm so small. i was looking at my height lines, the ones that have been progressively being drawn since 05 or 06, and looking at my most recent one i don't feel as tall as it says. it's weird how our eye level is how tall we feel but we are actually four or five inches taller than that.
i feel so rambly all the time. i made a necklace. i braided embroidery thread to use as a chain, and sewed these two puffy things with a tassel and tried to make it look pretty but it turned out more weird looking. we'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
small font is so nice. P.S. watch "diamonds" by tiger lily (and tiny teeth, i think her username is unicorncake) on YouTube. it is brilliant. i can NAWT STAWP watching it. youtube's so nice. nice nice nice who am i joel? i'm certainly empty enough to feel like joel.
so empty but so full. except unlike him i never shut up.
oh P.S. i watched persepolis again today (so NICE) / ferris bueller (take a look around wooja) and drank hot chocolate and made popcorn / an egg. i didn't read any Pi / Lolita which i'm mad at myself over.
~

floating soft

i forgot how fake it felt taking pictures of my outfits. i feel so warm and i love loose clothes so muchhhhhhhhhh
POST SCRIPT
this look on lookbook

little bones

coming along~

on the brink of saddles

reading lolita with my breakfast egg and cup of coffee, swathed in my uniform loose winter gap-ad outfit, i came to realize i don't want to do anything in the fashion industry. i want to write. or make films. i don't want to work on a fashion magazine. nothing. i want to do journalism or stories or films. something. i can appreciate fashion more if i'm not a part of it; and i don't mean that in the depressive way. it's just hard to make an impression and i can still enjoy it and not have my life revolve around it. i want try something more rather than being a part of a million other people in new york trying to do the same thing.

i feel so happy.

sucking on acid pops

strung puffy paper stars on white thread

swinging over my cieling

little bones

starling birds

my constellations.

edgar oh edgar

consumption

it's a promise

how cute is she? how cute does this movie look? i wish i was as cute as her, look at her plump little lips, she is like the definition of the sugar plum fairy. this is where my extreme girlishness shows. any film with locket necklaces and hair ribbons and rickety old atticks with neat windows is a film i need to watch. just once.

a little princess ~ 1995

but the title is a little pathetic. i think i'll watch fargo now.

frog eyes

i feel so disappointed. and i feel disappointed and sad that i feel disappointed and sad. cycles.
i tried to make a list of books i wanted but realized i didn't want any of them and kept trying and just figured it would be a waste of money to buy books i wasn't even sure i wanted so i just gave up. i watched the incredibles when i woke up and showered then finished watching the incredibles. my dad made me a sandwich and i felt like a little kid, i ate it and then ate a cinnamon scone that my brother got for me and then started to clean my room.
i still can't get my downloaded Merriweather Post Pavilion onto my ipod which really SUCKS because i hate listening to music on my stupid computer. the sound sucks and my laptop is heavy which also sucks.
anyway i didn't even finish cleaning my room, in fact all i managed to do was lose all of my christmas money and shove all my random stuff on top of my bureau. and hang like two sweaters in my closet. i used to have so many sweaters and now i barely have any and then i complain about not having sweaters and do nothing. sweaters are so the bomb.
juno is pissing me off. she's so depressive and her voice is monotonous and the only good thing in the movie is the music (NOT barry louis polisar), her bedroom, and rainn wilson flipping out at the director in the extras on the DVD.
my parents are going out someplace to dinner (YES) so now i can sit on the couch and watch this documentary called Crazy Love that we got on netflix about a guy who cheated on his wife, threw acid on his new girlfriend and how she forgave him.
i feel like such an angsty teenager, i've been listening to creepy scratchy music like sonic youth and frog eyes and radiohead (none of those are creepy just GOOD but whatever) and that song by pink floyd "hey you" which it sucks because you can't buy the version of gilmour (or waters? either way) laughing maniacally at the end which practically makes the song and you can't even get it on itunes.
so now i'm going to sit here and think about what a jackass i am (which i am for several reasons, the main one of which i can't even mention) and watch this cool movie and be confused. and cry about losing the tale of despereaux.

UGH

the tale of despereaux was such a good book, my dad got it for me when we were at barnes and noble one day when i was probably nine or ten, and it was hardcover and had the coolest looking edged pages and i remember loving the cover and the book, and i lost it.

all i ever wanted to do when i was young was read. i would always spend my money on books. i remember sitting on the heating vent in our old house the day i got the tale of despereaux and reading the whole thing by five that night.

i hate myself. i hate everythingggggggggggggg.

forgotten

"jigsaw falling into place" by radiohead is a REALLY GOOD SONG. in other news i'm making stars from paper, you know those strips you cut and fold and sort of puff out? they're strangely addicting (to make) and they just look like the cutest little marshmallows. anyway we have a three day weekend.

YES. i will probably get nothing done. oh except i still have to clean my room. eeeeggggh.

~

siren screams at half past ten

change your mind / the killers

themes #1

little star girl's star / night themed playlist:

someplace / brittle stars

stars / the weepies

stardust / louis armstrong

ageless beauty / stars

lost at sea / eisley

sleep / azure ray

stars and sons / broken social scene

floating soft~

my life sucks.

these are sandra juto from smosch, aren't they so nice?!?!

you are beautiful little starboy

more moleskine doodling and a nice note i received today :')

hands are so much funnn

and my bed. looked more quaint when i came home from school and it was bathed in white light.

anyway i'm listening to sonic youth / clap your hands say yeah / stardust by louis armstrong / and lover's spit by broken social scene

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee enjoy

P.S. wow these photos are really blurry. i apologize.

stardust

barren now

anyway it's not like this, it's still messy but these were all taken before i moved my bed.. and i still haven't tidied so it's still a big organized mess. not like that though my desk was moved too.. as was my dresser.. uh bye

P.S.: post script

I Heart Marc Johns... and apparently huckabees? uh..no

the sock life

crackling jackling

i am just sittin here at 12.30 on a sunday (technically it's monday now but who gives) and today i was going to replace all the retarded pictures on my bedroom walls with nice newer ones (i like change) then decided WHAT THE HELL I'LL CHANGE EVERYTHING ELSE TOO which led me to moving my bed / dresser / desk / night table, all of my books and trinkets and art prints are all over the floor and cluttered about and my bed's in sucha sucha hella niceeee place right nexxt to my window right parallel to it perfectly but i can't lean back cause there's no wall on either end. at least i can see the night when i lay down, anyway i'm finishing everything tomorrow after school because it was dark and i was sick and tired before i could finish today

i'm being nostalgic about the 90s again and i hardly lived in that decade i just miss old denim and mellow everything and big black cameras and full house even though that show was gay as shit.
anyway i gotta go places
cyacyacya even though you won't be readin this till a normal hour

ststststrange world

my posts have been so small and i don't write you novels to read daily any more. i feel like joel like i have nothing to say!!! so it'll just be an overload of photos until i have something to say ://
for now:

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER.

feels deux

"non. non."

feels

"would you erase me?"

sea ghost

Dear You:

Please lighten up. You're Cool. Just lighten up a little!

it's snowing

i took photos of the snow, or tried at least. the camera wouldn't focus so i'd have to put my wittle hand in front of the lens, wait for it to focus, remove my hand and take the picture. for awhile i just stood there in the snow, lightly pressing the button so the flash would flicker on and off for fifteen seconds or so while it tried to focus, watching the snowflakes that were lit up from the flash. when you can see them so closely they look like little white stars! doesn't the first photo remind you of shooting stars? no? that's okay-

it was niceeeeeeiiii and i'm going back outside now to stand there and sing french songs out loud

she could light you up

new photographs in the flickr.
little star girl

a taste:

hints+clues: stars, pears, top hats, toile wallpaper, john mccain, writing